STEP ASIDE

STEP ASIDE

Untangling my worth from desire through the art of being wanted, quiet sacrifices, and borrowed expectations.

By Josefina Lopez de Romaña

Once in a while, this feeling creeps up on me…the fear that I’m wasting my ‘prime’ for not prioritizing going on dates or seeking out relationships. Maybe it’s because my mom loves to remind me that she started dating ‘intentionally’ when she was 24, or maybe it’s from seeing most of my cousins constantly in relationships, some even marrying their high school sweethearts. 

Either way, it lingers like an internal clock ticking louder and louder with each passing year, reminding me that I should be looking for someone. It’s not just within my family, but a deeply ingrained expectation from society. And for what? That our youth is currency and that our ‘prime’ years should be spent accommodating men? It’s already scary enough to see your life quickly pick up and get serious the moment you reach your 20s. Imagine adding dating, something that in theory should be fun and organic, into this stressful mix. And even if my main focus at the moment is landing a full-time job and eating at least 3 meals a day, I can’t help but think about falling in love from time to time. 

The ‘bare minimum epidemic’ is real, and it’s exhausting. I remember last fall when I met someone—I’ll call him ‘Pool-Boy’—on a dating app. On paper, he seemed promising. He planned the first date, picked me up from work, took me out for drinks, and even managed to hold an interesting conversation. At the time, this felt revolutionary. But looking back, anyone in their right mind would consider this the bare minimum. Why was I so impressed by basic decency? Why do so many of us feel grateful when men meet the lowest possible standards of respect and effort?

“I think that a lot of people jump into relationships looking for how much their partner can provide for them, but shouldn’t a relationship be a mutual sacrifice? You can’t really assume that your partner understands your needs from the get-go, since we all have different cultural backgrounds, and we all value different things in relationships,” said Vincent Zheng, a marketing student at the Fashion Institute of Technology. 

The problem isn’t just individual men; it’s the system that allows them to put in minimal effort while benefiting from our emotional labor. We’re now in a ‘sassy man apocalypse’—a new era of men who have adopted vulnerability, not as a means of genuine connection, but rather as another way to extract care and attention from women. “The ‘sassy man apocalypse’ is a way for men to take advantage of femininity to get what they want,” said Chris Aguilar, a master’s student studying marketing at Baruch College. 

As someone tired of attracting the same avoidant-attachment and nonchalant guys, Pool-Boy finally felt like someone I could establish a relationship with, especially since he was comfortable with sharing his feelings and intentions with me, as well as admitting to being obsessed with getting his tarot readings from YouTube. But during this conversation, we got to a point where he expressed interest in a second date, where I would take him out, arrange plans, and yes, pay the bill.

I’d never seen a man be so open about wanting to get princess treatment. As our communication fizzled, I realized that I was the one who would have to continue putting effort while he sat back and received, simply catering to his needs rather than focusing on my own dating goals. Even when men lean into their ‘softer side,’ the emotional burden still somehow falls on us. 

With platforms like TikTok that push so many different ideas of what dating should look like, what men really want in a girl, and what to do to make him obsessed, it feels like no one is making their own decisions anymore. Why are we so caught up in following these sets of rules and expectations set by people on the internet? 

I get how it’s human nature to be a follower in certain situations, even my mom admitted following the tips from Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov as her dating bible. In reality, all we are doing is trying to find a way to make any man fall in love with us by using 5 different seductive fragrances, as said by influencers like Allison Hoeller. I’m sorry, but what in the TikTok shop is that? Not only do influencers want us to think there are formulas for attracting men, but they also profit off of our insecurities. 

Each day, we’re exposed to a different technique to achieve a successful dating life…dumb ideas that are pushed into women’s heads that solely benefit a man’s dating experience. Are you really going to wear perfume with milk notes because you like it? Or is it because you heard men find comfort in those kinds of fragrances? I can’t really blame women for these kinds of reactions, as some have a deeply rooted sense of internalized misogyny, growing up in a society that favors men’s preferences. It really bothers me when I see people living their lives for others and bringing other women down to win male approval. 

I deleted TikTok almost 4 years ago because of how its whole rhetoric surrounded “what men really want” rather than focusing on what women need. It’s like when you are hooking up with someone, and you try telling them what actually feels right, and they recoil, as if their manhood and ego have been challenged. Like, come on dude, we’re in this together. If I have to be a gold medal acrobat in bed, the least you can do is find my clit. Why can’t they ever find it?! 

I feel dumb when I remember small moments when I stopped myself from doing things because of what men would think of me. One of my ex-boyfriends convinced me not to bleach my eyebrows because he said it would ruin his perception of me. I should’ve dumped him right that second and shaved my eyebrows next. 

Seeing girls trying so hard to please men with names like Chad, makes me think about Margaret Atwood’s novel The Robber Bride, specifically where she stated, “You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.” It’s unsettling to see women detach from their own bodies and experiences, to be conditioned to assess their worth through the male perspective. It’s like we are constantly performing for an invisible audience, even in the comfort of our own company, instead of embracing our own sense of self. 

And then society dares to ask why women with low self-esteem only feel beautiful or worthy when desired by men. In our effort to “decenter” men from our lives, we sometimes end up doing the opposite—placing them on a pedestal by overanalyzing every single detail of their role in our existence. This, I believe, is part of the reason feminism is dismissed as unapproachable or radical. In reality, as Roxane Gay reminds us in Bad Feminist, feminism was never about perfection. It’s about embracing the messiness of being human, holding onto our individuality, and pushing for progress without losing ourselves in the process.

So, I’m officially detaching from the idea that I’m somehow wasting my 20s by not adhering to a list of society’s expectations. This is the era to explore, to create, to truly seek out our purpose and intention. This is my petition to make dating fun again! Meeting different kinds of people and being open to new experiences allows you to discover new sides of yourself. Some might see past dates I’ve had as failed situationships, but they just made me see the world differently. These were lessons that inspired me to take part in different projects and activities, and at the very least, it’s always a fun experience to look back on. 

Nothing is more refreshing than getting hit on while being authentically yourself, even if that includes wearing five-finger shoes to the bar. The real win isn't being desired or sought after; it’s realizing your worth is never dependent on anyone else’s gaze.